Annie Abuca, currently the Grade School Assistant Principal for Administration and Supervision at Sacred Heart School – Ateneo de Cebu, Philippines, reflects on her experience of the recent Workshop on Ignatian School Leadership for leaders and administrators in Jesuit schools across the Jesuit Conference of Asia Pacific.
Just when the burden of administrative work was slowly choking the life out of me, when sinking deeper into the teaching ministry seemed to me a nightmare, I attended the Workshop on Ignatian School Leadership (WISL) International. I was one of 31 leaders and administrators of Jesuit schools in Australia, Indonesia, Malaysia, the Philippines, Hong Kong, Macau, Taiwan, Timor Leste and Cambodia at the workshop, which was focused on Administrative Leadership: Ignatian Discernment and Decision-Making.
Being invited brought me much excitement, remembering how meaningful my last experience was. However, I went to the WISL extremely tired. My job as Assistant Principal demanded so much from me that I was neglecting my responsibilities as a wife and mother. I was running on empty. Looming on the horizon were bigger responsibilities. Resigning seemed the best choice, because it was the easiest.
I learned through this year’s WISL though that the Ignatian paradigm demands we filter our life experiences through the lens of faith, as our facilitator, Fr Johnny Go SJ, so articulately described. Decision-making in the Ignatian sense does not mean finding the easier, more convenient way out. Ignatian decision-making involves a constant discernment where we “invite God, who cares deeply about what we do, into the decision-making process” and, through this, we “find the freedom to make the best choice”. Thus, as an Ignatian educator, I am invited not only to make good, nuanced, and well thought-out decisions, I am invited to make discerned decisions where I am not the only one deciding but where I allow God to decide with me. Here, learning to “let go and let God” is a requirement. And we all know how difficult that is.
Ignatian discernment is only possible if we embrace what St Ignatius of Loyola called a leadership of reflection and action. The many times I felt lost at work were when I focused too much on the “action” at the expense of the “reflection”. Since work never really stops, then I rationalize that I cannot stop to pray. Surely, I get more things done, but I fail to see how I sacrifice a very important part of my work: understanding who I am and what I hold dear, and how what I do should be consistent to God’s call for me to be the best person I can be. It is only during times when I am “forced” to be quiet and reflect – like during the WISL – that I realize the price I have to pay for this sacrifice: I begin to see my job as “work”, and not anymore as a vocation that God has personally called me to.
During the workshop, one of the most significant prayer experiences I had was when I contemplated Jesus Christ in front of me. I was looking at him as he carried his cross. He too was looking at me. What struck me was how his look was the gaze of a lover towards his beloved – yes, even while burdened by his cross. He never complained; he just contemplated me with much love. I realized then and there that he was calling me to do the same: carry my own cross, but to do it with much love. It is the love for what I have been called to do and the love for the God who has called me that will allow me to become, as the song goes, “his heart today”.
It is also encouraging to know that I am not in this alone. I was with 30 other participants but I am sure they only represent the thousands in the world working for Jesuit educational institutions who are constantly invited to create space for God in their own workplace. Through their sharing, I was reassured by companionship and support – both indispensable for this ministry – and given a reality check that, in spite of the challenges, grace is still present. Who am I to grumble about whining parents, for example, when many of my colleagues from other countries fear for their lives when report cards are given out? Even through them, I hear the Spirit telling me: there is much grace in your life already; you only have to seek it out.
The grace of the WISL for me was to see how my job would always seem like work if not seen through the lens of faith. If I do not see it as a vocation, a call to love, I cannot and will not find meaning in it. As an Ignatian leader, I cannot go on with my role without pausing for reflection and prayer. I harvest the fruits of the WISL now as I have been appointed to a bigger, more demanding role at school. Resigning is still the easiest option, but the more convenient choice is not necessarily the best one from the Ignatian viewpoint. The best option is that which is the most loving, the most life giving, the one that will draw me and others closer to His heart – even if it entails carrying our own cross. Personally, the best option is for me to try to do my best in my new role, knowing I am still, and primarily, a mother and wife at home. The WISL has helped me put things in the proper perspective – proper because it is not only mine, but God’s as well.
The Workshop on Ignatian School Leadership was held in Tagaytay City, Philippines, from March 10 to 14, 2014.