Looking back over the last six months of my tertianship, my heart is filled with gratitude and joy. Gratitude because God has been kind, good and gracious to me during these six months. Joy because I take back with me amazing experiences that we have shared together as companions in the Society. But one particular experience stands out for me.
My father went back to the Lord when I was three years old. So I never got to experience what it means to have a dad. Whenever I had people sharing about their relationship with their fathers, I kind of switched off and never paid serious attention. I did not like conversations about fathers because I did not know what that means and I was not interested.
I was more engaged and involved when I had my friends talk about their mothers because I know what that means. She brought me up in the best way a mother always does. I love my mum. Because of my attachment to my mother, I found it really easy to relate to Mary the Mother of our Lord Jesus Christ. In fact, I call Mary my mother too. I have had many personal conversations with her and she has never disappointed me. I must confess that I have a personal relationship and devotion to her as a young priest. She has kept me out of trouble and many temptations thus far. And my relationship and conversation with her keeps getting better and stronger.
It was during the 30-day retreat when my retreat director, Fr Mon Bautista SJ, suggested that I should engage more in prayerful conversation with Joseph—the spouse of the Mother of our Lord—that I was finally able to come to terms with my father’s demise. In retrospect, I had denied and buried his memories out of my life for over 40 years. I had lamented, blamed and complained to God many times, knowingly or unknowingly, saying, “If my dad were around this would not have happened to me.” But now I was able to have some closure on this issue.
In one of those days of prayer I put this question to Joseph: “Why is it that you are always very quiet in the scriptures?” It may not be edifying intellectually or spiritually for me to put the response I received from Joseph. Suffice it to say that the answer was edifying and life-giving to me. It was after having an amazing prayerful conversation with Joseph that God the Father proposed to me if I were open to take Joseph as my dad. “Yes” was my affirmative answer. “Yes, Father” I repeated.
For lack of appropriate words that can capture my feelings and emotions, allow me to say that I felt like a heavy load had been lifted off my shoulders. Calling God Father suddenly became easier and effortless to me. Healing of my bad and painful memories had taken place. This to me will always remain an indelible experience as I continue with my vocation journey to serve the Lord with passion, tirelessly and unwaveringly.
How can I repay the Lord for his goodness to me? My heart is filled with gratitude and joy to God our Father. My heart is filled with indelible gratitude to Mary the Mother of our Lord and to Joseph her chaste spouse. My heart is filled with gratitude to our tertian directors Fr Bautista and Fr Priyono Marwan SJ. Many thanks and blessings to the Rector of the Loyola House of Studies Fr Junjun Borres SJ. Many thanks to the Provincial of the Philippines Province Fr Jun Viray SJ. Many thanks to our Jesuit companions living and working at Loyola House of Studies. And many thanks to our collaborators who made our stay at Loyola House of Studies possible and memorable.
Fr James Andrew Ayaga SJ from Kenya is one of eight tertians in the 2018 to 2019 Asia Pacific Tertianship Programme in Manila, which began on September 2 and ends on March 1.
Tertianship is the final period of formal religious formation for Jesuit priests and brothers, during which the Jesuit makes the full Spiritual Exercises again.
Related stories:
Meet the tertians (part one)
Meet the tertians (part two)
Meet the tertians (part three)
Working out the five “R”s of Tertianship