When my provincial asked me to attend a course at the East Asian Pastoral Institute (EAPI), I was hesitant to go. I didn’t know anything about EAPI except that a confrere who had anger management issues had taken courses there for a year. When he came back, he was changed. He encouraged me to go and I thought maybe that was a good idea.
I have to admit that I have my own issues too. I’ve had to deal with a lot of difficulties in the past that I still carry with me. In 2012, after four years of being missioned in the Philippines to be with the Mangyan communities in Mindoro, I returned home to Papua New Guinea (PNG) for a holiday. I spent time with my parents who were fast getting old and needed someone to take care of them. Would it be okay to say, “Lord, bless them? I am going to my mission”? I felt that wouldn’t be right, so I asked my provincial in the Philippines if I could stay on and take care of my elderly parents, and they accepted my request.
I stayed in the parish where I did my regency and pastoral work as a deacon and from time to time I visited my parents and assisted them with their immediate needs. I was concentrating very much with parish activities that I failed to attend to my elderly parents. So, again, I wrote to the Philippine Province requesting to be integrated to the PNG Province so I could stay in the country. They wrote to Rome, which granted my request for transfer. The PNG Province accepted me and allowed me to remain in the parish.
In the three years that I spent in the parish, I encountered many difficulties. I was exclusive in my associations that people started to complain, “Father is not really there for all of us”. Worst of all, my parishioners accused me of misusing church funds. My spiritual life was dead and my priesthood was destroyed.
Before the situation got out of hand, my Provincial called me to the provincial house, where I volunteered to work as gardener and handyman. On Sundays, I would go to Mass and assist the chaplain in the university. I really enjoyed my time in the provincial house and the space given to me to look back and see myself and the direction I was taking in my priesthood. I guess I was not really prepared. I received my ordination as a ritual and had not fully embraced my vocation
My concept of God is shaped around my father. I saw my father as someone who was obligated to fulfil all of my demands. It was my role to demand and my father’s duty to listen and provide. Naturally, when I was led to God, I saw God the same way I saw my father – as a provider. But the time and space provided at EAPI helped me to undergo several changes in my life. I experienced a God who does not merely provide, but a Father who gives directions.
One experience that touched me the most and brought me to a new level of appreciation occurred during an eight-day Ignatian retreat in Novaliches. During the first two days, I had difficulty entering into God’s presence, but when I fixed my gaze on the cross and let go of my ego, that’s when things began to happen.
The time and space provided at EAPI helped me to undergo several changes in my life. I experienced a God who does not merely provide, but a Father who gives directions.
In one prayer experience, I saw myself in a doorway approaching God who was sitting in front. On my right was a room and inside was the crucified Christ – full of blood hanging on the cross with his head bent to his left gazing toward me. I looked at him but ignored him and kept going. I was so excited to go to God, my Father. But God the Father said, “Stop, go there” pointing to the room where the crucified Christ was. I did not want to go inside; the bloody cross of Christ terrified me. Then the picture changed and I was brought home. I saw a nice garden and a very clear spring. There was a small house just above the garden and a lady inside. A child was asleep in the house when a man came in and nudged him. The child awoke and the man embraced him. When I felt that it was Jesus who embraced the child and the child was me, my tears flowed. The child was bathed in blood embracing Christ crucified. Something that I had not wanted to do, I found myself embracing. Then Jesus gave the little boy clerical vestments. I was deeply in tears and felt the deep jubilation of receiving the gift of my real ordination. It was the day before I celebrated my 10th anniversary as a priest. I felt the dignity of my priesthood restored. I heard Jesus telling me, “Embrace your priesthood. Love it and serve.”
As I left my meditation area I could feel the pressure of the old environment returning. There is every possibility that I will slide back into my old ways. But being conscious of my painful experience and having gone through a spiritual, physical and intellectual transformation in EAPI, I am filled with a sense of service. My authority as a priest is only as good as my obligation to serve and my openness to engage laypeople in the mission. I am going back with a better understanding of servanthood, of my mission in the priesthood and the importance of self-care.
The challenge for me now is to really feel in my heart that the child whom Jesus embraced was me. Who was the woman in the house? Where is the beautiful garden? Where is the crystal clear spring? What do they mean? All these are blessings and I pray that with direction from my Father through the guidance of the Holy Spirit, the meaning will unfold to me in due time.
Fr Norbert Koima is a Divine Word Missionary (SVD) from Papua New Guinea and a participant of EAPI’s Sabbatical Renewal Experience programme. A priest for 10 years now, he is a testament that God does not call the equipped, but equips the called. His story shows the transforming power of God’s loving mercy.
Fr Koima’s reflection is part of a series of reflections from participants of EAPI’s residential programmes, which run for four or six months.