Almost a decade ago, Jaeseok and I began our novitiate journey in Korea as part of a class of six novices. On 23 September, we were ordained to the diaconate along with three American scholastics at the Church of Saint Ignatius of Loyola in Chestnut Hill, Massachusetts. Reflecting on the immense grace we received throughout our time in the Society, I felt compelled to share some of my thoughts and sentiments from before the ordination.
At the beginning of my novitiate, I was eager to commit myself to imitating Christ and becoming a good Jesuit, imagining myself as a devout disciple walking a few steps behind the master. However, this ambitious image often left me feeling behind, breathless, and discouraged. Following Jesus felt like I was constantly lagging, forever struggling to catch up. At times, this feeling even led to a sense of disconnection with God. Though I firmly believed in God’s wisdom and guidance, the enormous ego of a novice captivated by vain zeal occasionally doubted whether I could genuinely be a good Jesuit, especially in moments of doubt or desolation. My focus was mainly on my own competence and worthiness as his disciple.
Yet, as time went on, a subtle but significant transformation began to take root within me. Annual retreats, consistent reflection through the Examen of Consciousness, and numerous experiences of God’s goodness through various ministries led to this growth. The metaphor of my relationship with Jesus has gradually evolved from simply following him to walking with him. Now, it was Jesus who adapted to my pace. When I was blissful, he would walk with me with joy, but when I was weary, he would wait for me with patience. This new imagery completely reshaped my perception of him. He transformed from a figure of aspiration to a compassionate friend, deeply involved in every aspect of my life. This realisation enriched my intimate relationship with God as I approached my ordination to the diaconate. In my faith journey, I have come to see Christ not just as a role model but, more profoundly, as an intimate companion.
A week before our ordination, all of us who were to be ordained spent a day in prayer, guided by Paul Harman SJ, a spiritual father at Saint Peter Faber Jesuit Community. Giving us some prompts for prayer, he shared an insight that resonated with my thoughts. He told us that if God were likened to a spring, it would not be our own merit drawing us to the water but our thirst. This reflection led me to ponder, “Is it the same thirst that propels my journey as a Jesuit? Do I harbor this deep thirst for God?” After the ordination, through its grace, I seek to cherish the initial zeal and yearning for God at the beginning of my Jesuit journey. This journey should be fueled solely by an authentic craving for Christ, not by notions of self-righteousness or self-worthiness. For God, our caring companion, calls us as we are, embracing our true nature.
Jaeseok and I would like to express our heartfelt gratitude to our brothers in the Society, as well as to our benefactors, for their steadfast prayers and unwavering support. We also wish to extend our appreciation to many friends overseas, especially those in the Philippines, where Jaeseok completed his Regency at Xavier University High School in Cagayan de Oro, and in Cambodia, where I served at Saint Francis Xavier Parish and Xavier Jesuit School in Sisophon. Indeed, God works tirelessly through the wonderful people we encounter in our Jesuit communities, ministries, and educational institutions.
Deacon Yoonho Do SJ from Korea is in his second year of the STL programme at Boston College School of Theology and Ministry, specialising in systematic theology. He was ordained to the diaconate alongside fellow Korean Jaeseok Choi SJ by Auxiliary Bishop of Boston Mark O’Connell on 23 September.